The Family Wreath

Grab your notepad and pencil’s and a few extra erasers, cause you’ll lose track if you don’t take notes. I’m going to attempt to explain the relationships that intertwine my wife’s family and mine. It’s a little tricky to explain without making it sound as if we all fell in love with each other at one time and then switched partners…or did we? Not really, but like I said, pay attention. It seems that everyone refers to their families relationships as a Tree. Well, I have to say ours is more of a wreath.

The history as I know it starts back in 10^th grade when I met my good buddy P. As the years went on we were pretty normal guys that did the typical stupid shit that boys do. We would hang out together every now and then, drink beer, go four wheeling with one of our mutual crazy redneck buddies, and frequent a certain tanning salon to get our tan’s on (after all, that was very important OUR situations). That’s where I met my current wife. Problem is that it was P’s girlfriend. P and I weren’t “exclusive friends”, meaning that we had other circles of friends that we would hang with. But either way, we were really good buddies and we stayed close.

Now, I couldn’t really disclose to P that I was extremely attracted to his REALLY hot girlfriend. She was blond, had big blue eyes, big boobs, tan and she was a hothead. Meaner than a rattlesnake. So naturally, I did what every good pal does. I ignored the pulsating need of my teenage loins and ‘deflected my attention’ elsewhere.  After all, I AM an honorable guy. I live and breathe buy the ‘Guy Code’. There is no chance in hell that I would disrespect a man friend. It’s something I learned from my dad…I think.!? Anyway, guys get that. Any offense to “The Code” and you belong on the OHS list for life. In my mind, she was one in a million women and I was in High School. There was a plethora of girls around. And I was tied up most of the time with an on and off girlfriend that hated me so much that I couldn’t help want to make her like me.

Regardless, I stayed true to the path and we all went on our merry ways through our lives together. Next thing I know, Tracy’s pregnant. P’s ability to hang was hampered extremely. We were going into our senior year and our list of things to do was getting bigger and bigger. The guys and I had some plan, not sure what, but it required P to be there. So we head over to get him from their newly acquired plush condo on Easy Street. Needless to say Tracy was none too happy about him joining us on one of our, what was sure to be, all nighters. We walk in and there she was. She was busting OUT…of her overalls pregnant. I mean, she was at ‘any day now’ pregnant. At that moment, I lost my ability to contain my mouth and mentioned how good she looked. I was serious. She was pissed. She threw the glass of water she was holding in my face, and I had an immediate crush.

Tracy and P ended up having a beautiful baby girl, Al. Being the friends P and I were, I was around Al quite a bit. So I can say that I knew her from birth. P and Tracy’s relationship wasn’t meant to be, and withered from there. And eventually they split. P and I carried on with our lives. P kept a job, and I went and got myself tangled up in some drugs. I’m not proud of it, but it was a part of my life that I apparently was meant to go through. I couldn’t tell you where Tracy went.

In the mean time, I had been ‘removed’ from my childhood home by my father. It was something like this; “Hey dad. When are we moving into the new lake house?” I asked. Dad replies; “WE…aren’t moving anywhere. Your stepmother and I are moving in about a month. You get to rent this house until it sells, and then you get the privilege of finding your own place.” While I wasn’t sure at the time why, I completely understand now. I was a loser. A parental dissapointment. A worthless, pot smoking, beer drinking, looser.  I can’t blame the man. He did what was best for me. I needed a swift kick in the ass, but he found a better way. Force me into taking care of myself. Looking back, it was the perfect maneuver on his part. I found a dump of an apartment and moved out. The drug use continued, and I was spiraling.

Within a year I was starting to figure out that I had become a worthless member of society. P and my hillbilly buddy, HB, came to visit on a random afternoon and subtlety hint to me that I need to get straightened out or I was likely not gonna make it. I took their advice that day and I owe them my life for that moment. Therefore P and HB will be in my life for the rest of my days.

As the fog began to clear and I started getting a grip on things, P was over and he was about to leave for his part time gig at the local auto auction driving cars. He mentioned that his mom, we’ll call her Momma D, was in need of more drivers and that it would pay $40 a night, two nights a week. WELL now. This sounded great! I tell him to pick me up on the way and I would go in and ask for a spot from Momma D. So he does.

One problem; Being the looser I was, I had ‘forgotten’ of the plans we had made and I had just eaten a hand full of Shrooms when he showed up. Good ones. For those who know what I talking about, I…Was... Blazing. I could see through my hands, high. Not one of my finer moments. However, I, being an experienced trooper, I went on because, by god, I wanted this job. So I climb in and we head out. About the time we get there I’m in no shape to go in and ask for a job, much less walk. I tell P that I’ll head in to the office in a few. He runs off to assume the position at the gate to begin checking in cars and I look for the nearest place to get out of the public eye. I take up a cobble squat at the building adjacent to the auction and begin to try and get my shit straight enough to go in and face Momma D.

Now, Momma D was no stranger to me. She knew I was a dumb ass, but she was a momma. She was always nice to me. I take a deep breath and open the door to the office and say high to Momma D. We mingle on about a job… I think… and then, BOOM. I spot this HOT blond at a desk against the wall. As she turns to look at me it hits me. It’s Tracy. I can remember that her eyes were so blue that I couldn’t refrain from staring. I can’t really recall if we spoke at that moment, but I was rushed right back into heat. And of course she was immediately in love with me as well. I mean, who in their right state of mind wouldn’t have fallen in love with a drugged up guy in Doc Martins, cut up jeans, a Hard Rock Shirt and that was sporting a tie dyed dew rag?? I know. Right?

 I had to ask her out. I scurry out and give P a pop quiz on his now ex-baby momma. She was apparently seeing some douche bag in Kansas City. This meaning that the relationship with the fore mentioned douche bag was outside the State of Arkansas! ACROSS THE STATE LINE!! Therefore…no Man Law! (Write that down ladies) Plus, I didn’t know the asshole. I ask P about his thoughts on me asking her out and he give the blessing stating; “If you want to. I’d rather it was you than the dumb ass she’s with now.” Now, right there was all I needed. After all, she’s his baby momma. P gives his blessing and I’m going to ask her. He don’t, I don’t. And the rest is history. Except?  The wreath kept growing.

Some years later, Tracy and I manage to find our way into wedded bliss and begin our own family with AL and, only after I was married to a woman that gave me “Mad” our middle child. I’ll forever know that Tracy and I were not together from the first moment so that Mad could be given to me and for that, I thank God! After a couple of years Tracy and I had a daughter together and named her “Em”. Now that leaves us with three B-E-A-Utiful daughters that now collectively share six parents (after P and my X remarried) Keeping up?

Of course P was married to the “Non-Permanent” wife that blessed him with two children, Low and Nanner. That gives Al five siblings that she shares with eight parents if you include me and T, P and JJ, my X and  her man “The Diet”, the Non-Permanent wife’s new found family consisting of DD and their single addition, Palmer. Mad has three sisters and two brothers that collectively share eight parents if you include me an T, P and JJ, X and The Diet, and The Diet’s “Previous” and her hubby that we won’t even name, just because it’s giving me a headache.

Now I’ll switch gears. Sharpen your pencil.

My sister and I were products of an early-in-life divorced family. They are the best parents a kid could have asked for but they were not meant for each other. Heck, I even wonder what the hell they were thinking… Anyway, my parents had a large issue with each other that I believe caused a huge amount of hatred between them. That hate was very easy to see as a kid and I hated it more than they did. It often rattled my brain when those two would cuss each other. It finally stopped happening in front of me when my sister stood up for us both and threw down the gavel. At least that’s how I remember it. Therefore when The X and I made the decision to split up, we both vowed to never do that to our child, regardless the cost. So we did. Successfully.

It took multiple years to get good at it, but it meant so much to us all that eventually we worked it out and made a very strong effort to join together as families and show our kids that we were a team. P and I were already best friends and never stopped. So he and JJ, the true love of his life, were in our lives socially from the beginning and pretty much got along with Tracy and me anyway. The X and I were going to be different than the typical “I want to murder your ass” divorcees. Almost all kids see divorce unfortunately, but I don’t believe they have to be all that bad. Our families believe that the kids are better off having their parents together in their lives, apart and happy, rather than married and full of ‘pissed off’. We managed to get so good at this in fact, that we all held birthday parties together at first, moved into hanging out and then onto vacationing together. Do we still want to kick one another’s ass from time to time? Hell yes. But. We. Work. On. It.

P, JJ, Al, Tracy and Me - P and JJ's Wedding

Now this got to be too much for some haters to bear. We constantly have people finding that it’s WAY to strange for them to take and they try to condemn what we are trying to do and that it made THEM uncomfortable to be at the same function with both families. Please. Only then to find that it’s impossible to hate because it’s the right thing to do for the girls. Others applauded our efforts. After all, WE are the adults. WE had children together. WE can raise them under “good” conditions too. Piss on anyone who wants to hate on us for that. Or anyone that thinks it’s wrong. Is it hard sometimes? Sure as hell is. But it’s what we believe to be the right thing. One problem; Try and explain how your “old buddy from back in the day” next to you is your oldest daughter’s dad, and that the lady over there is your middle daughter’s mom.  Welcome to the conversation.

It gets better! My wife and P apparently started something when it came to dating. Get this. P’s mom, Momma D, is now married to “Biggs”. Biggs is the brother to Grammy P. Grammy P is the mother to Dobbs. And guess what… guess who Dobbs is…Dobbs is Tracy’s momma. I’ll give you a minute to read that again.

*Pause*

Now Momma D married Biggs quite sometime after P and Tracy had their moment. BUT… Momma D’s daughter, “Lolls”, was Prego with a baby at the same time as Tracy was with Al. The baby daddy you ask? Biggs Jr... Biggs Jr. is of course the son of Momma D’s husband, Biggs. So Al has a cousin, “Fred” whose dad is Al’s mom’s uncle’s son, and his mom, Lolls, is her dad, P’s sister.

*Pause* Shit! My brains working so hard my ears are bleeding. You think this is hard to read, you should try writing. STILL NOT DONE.

Naturally Lolls and Biggs Jr. weren’t meant for each other and they eventually split. Years go by and the announcement of a new relationship had sprouted. Except this one was meant to be. Lolls and “Metal”; her step dad Biggs’s nephew? They were in love. Forrest would say they were like peas and carrots, and we agree. One key thing you need to remember here; NO BLOODLINES WERE EVER CROSSED in the writing of this Blog. Now for those natural Algebra whizzes out there, you can quit reading. For the rest of you that are still drawing circles on a piece of paper I am going to break this down for you. Ready?

P is Al’s baby daddy. Al’s daddy P has a sister, Lolls, which makes her Al’s aunt, is marrying Al’s mom’s Uncle Metal. Metal is Biggs nephew, and Biggs is the dad to Biggs Jr. Biggs Jr. is the father of Fred, Al’s cousin and Metal’s nephew. Biggs, Al’s great-great uncle and her grandma Dobb’s uncle, is married to Al’s Grandma, Momma D, which of course is P and Loll’s mom. Make sense? Awesome… I knew you could do it!

Sometimes this is the way things work out. We all managed to find the one we were meant to be with. It just took a little extra work to get here. I love every one of these people and wouldn’t change one single thing. Now I just hope they find the humor in this story as I do! Live. Laugh. Love.

I’m gonna go take a sedative.

J.C.