The Repercussion

I've got this buddy named P. He's been a good friend for a long time. But he's got his 'issues' as does anyone else. It just that P's issues are a little more...pronounced. And what kind of friend would I be if I didn't list them and explain how I've exploited them over the years? Also, he kinda suggested it. I'll bet ya he didn't think I'd go this far though. Sorry P!

P and I met quite some time ago. If you read the last post, your probably more familiar with him than you wanna be, but you at least have a head start on the history we share. P and I met in school and have been pretty damn good pals since. In the last 20 years I've seen, experienced or heard about ALL of his phobia's, seen his quirks and dealt with his habits, good and bad. Phil and I also have worked on the road together for the last three years so I have had the pleasure of seeing just exactly what JJ has to deal with by living with him. Sometimes you wanna kill even the best of friends...and I tried a time or two.

P dealing with "My Issues"

Back in April of '07 P and I began work on a job that is best explained as traveling carnies. We set up outside displays for one of the nation’s largest retailers. We would visit two to three stores in a week to set up tents and tables of products for some automotive suppliers. We would talk with large crowds of associates and consumers and endure the pain that was associated with dealing with the public. In the last year, we switched employers and began a more simplified job training associates only, but we still had to room together.

In the years we were doing this, we had my brother in-law Billy with us. He was witness and victim to my bitchiness, but not near the amount of wrath I laid upon P. Why? Mainly because Billy's a light sleeper. P on the other hand will fall asleep sitting straight up almost anywhere if it gets quiet. And when it comes to nighty night time for P? He is DEAD TO THE WORLD. There is no way in hell you can wake the guy up. And he does what I call "The High RPM Snore". He doesn’t just snore. He freakin' snores three times to one over the regular guy.

Now P don't weigh but a buck 05 soakin' wet, so I don't feel overly threatened when I dick with him, but he does hold the "Jason's Record" for best all time knock-out's of a douch bag.  Back in high school I watched P fist fight a dumbass and after he dazed the guy with a right hander to the jaw, he finished him off by grabbing the guy’s ears and introducing his knee, to said guys nose! LAID HIM OUT! Needless to say, when I pull a stunt on him I'm ready for him to climb me like a monkey does a tree. So let's start with his sleep issue.

When driving the car on the road, there were only a few rules we all agreed to go by:

1) You run out of gas, you’re walking to the nearest gas station.

2) Follow the GPS.

3) 8's great and 9' a fine.

4) Make sure the co-pilot is keeping you alert. A.K.A., No sleeping.

As I described before; P like's his sleep, and therefore this was the repercussions of not following the co-pilot rules.

Oh shit, I swear I pee'ed my pants I laughed so hard. P? Not so much. He was a different kind of pissed. This was on our trip across Washington State and Oregon in '09. Billy and I tortured P the entire time we were out there. More than once, when P would start in on the nose clapping, we would stack shit on his head, color his face, stick pencils up his nose, blah, blah, blah. Our favorite was to do all the above then put his phone on his ear, and call it! The bastard wouldn't move at all. Nadda. Nothing. He had some shitty song that always started with JJ's name in it that would go off at least a hundred times a day. I swear that was his ring tone for two damned years. Grr. I still hate that song. Either way, it was entertaining none the less.

The worst/best thing about this trip was the night we were on our way home and experienced what would become "The Repercussion". We stayed in some dumpy ass hotel on the outskirts of SeaTac that night and had to catch a flight out first thing in the morning so we ordered in some pizza and stayed low key. Naturally P turns in first and Billy and I are left to deal with the always present High RPM snoring.

Now, prior to leaving on this trip I had gotten a new phone that had a pretty good video camera. We made sure to document our nightly assaults on P but this one took the cake. We piled everything in that room that wasn't nailed down on him. I start filming; Billy places a pizza crust in his fly, glides it over the cheeks and bounces it off P's forehead over and over. I'm here to tell you: It looked like P was about to get a facial on film. Room was dark, the light on the phone was barely useful and I was giggling so hard that I couldn't hold the camera still. The film was absolute You Tube Gold.

Well. I was a little hesitant on this. Call me a softy, but even I wasn't sure I could do this to him. I mean, it was SO real! This left me but one choice; If I was gonna make Viral history, I was gonna need his blessing. I get myself packed, get dressed and prepare to unleash P's inner monkey. "Hey, Phil! I need to show you something. We got a little footage last night you should see". You could see immediate anger in his eyes. He replies "What did you do?” At the moment Billy was in the shower and I was in a room with no decent hiding place so I did the natural thing. I tell him "It's all Billy's fault". I hit play, give him the phone and take three steps towards the door.

P watches what he believes to be Billy fornicating on his face. He asks; "Who the fuck is that? Is that Billy?" I immediately realize this wasn't a monkey moment. The Gorilla is coming out and there is only one thing I could do. Tell him it wasn't real. BUT...I hesitate and answer; "Yup". Slow motion sat in. I kind of wanted to see what was about to happen. I knew at that moment it would be wrong, but I would be able to see P drag Billy outta the shower wrapped in nothing but a shower curtain beating the ever loving shit out of his unsuspecting ass. I give it 2 seconds to play out, just to see, and P's already in the bathroom raging in his fury. Realizing that an ambulance ride vs. catching our plane would be bad, I rapidly try to get his attention to calm him. I finally I get through to him in an attempt to assure him that is was just pizza and not a dick. He calms slightly.

P decides that my requested destiny of reaching Viral You Tube Glory at his behalf was not gonna happen. So instead of each and every one of you getting to see the highlight film of P's ability to sleep through a train wreck, he deletes all of the footage I had on the phone. The only reason I have the one above is due to my quick Facebook downloading skills. To this day, I still regret letting him take my phone, but his adrenaline was on high at the moment.

Side Notes:

Aside from the regularly producing my short films, I would play on P's other emotions.

1) P started the touring off by rolling his window down when we would cross a bridge. His claim was that if we somehow ended up in the water, he would be able to gracefully swim out. What complete bullshit, right? So I wait until we get to the Alabama - Florida state line just east of the tunnel. Just before we get onto the big long bridge over the inlet and I hit the window lock. He really freaked out on me! I persisted with this maneuver over and over again through the years (because it was ridiculous) until he finally gave up on the issue. So I can safely say that I cured one of his phobias!

2) You ever seen that fear on someone’s face just as their chair begins to flip over backwards? Or right as you jump out and scare someone? Well, just like the moment above in the car, I make it habit to continually press P's panic button because his ‘Oh Shit’ face is priceless. The easiest is in the car as he doses off, but the all time classic took place in an elevator. I had booked us in a decent hotel, but it was really obvious that it was recently renovated. Nice finish, old building. We all climb on the elevator to go up a floor. Me, Billy, P and our entire luggage collection. As I cross the plane of the door I notice a little 'play' in the cabling. I give it the old 1-2-3 jump and toss all 250 lbs of my ass in the air and when I land this damn thing bounced like it was on a slinky! Needless to say, I'm pretty damn sure P dropped a deuce right then and there. He took the stairs the rest of our stay.

Love ya P. Mean it!

J.C.