The Ick Factor

“I’ve read a library book with gloves on.” This was the beginning of this entry.

When it comes to this, I have to admit I may have a touch of germ phobia. I never really think about it until someone brings it up. By definition Germaphobia is actually Mysophobia, which is “the pathological fear of dirt, to avoid contamination and germs”. To me it’s more like “A person that can’t stand the fact that not everything their around is squeaky clean and don’t have little speckles of shit on them”.  Just yesterday (on Facebook naturally) I mentioned, in around about way, how much one could save by filling that water bottle up with tap water. My buddy comments that an average person that drinks one glass of tap water a day consumes more than 5 pounds of poo in ten years. Nice. This is a good example of why you shouldn’t think too closely about what you touch or eat.

I have a friend; we’ll call her JJ, which is about as close to full blown germaphobe as I have met personally. She puts the hotel T.V. remote in a Ziploc bag kind of germaphobe. I think that she single handily keeps the hand sanitizer business going. The kicker, you ask? She’s a dental assistant. Yeah! She makes her living by putting her hands in every Tom, Dick and Harry’s mouth that sits in her chair! Now, like I said before, I may have a fear of germs too. It’s nowhere near as bad as JJ’s, but come on. People’s stank ass mouths? This is not a place I want to be diggin’ around for my job. Its right up there with any Doctor that gives out prostate checks or checking any other orifice of the human body. I gag just like my oldest does when she brushes her teeth just thinking of it. Guys know that there is always that little joke we’ve snickered at about being that hottie across the rooms O.B., but you have to stop and think; they're not all Jennifer Aniston. He deals with EVERY woman and man in that waiting room. Having witnessed two births, I have been in the same room when this has been done and it’s nasty and REALLY uncomfortable to watch. You don’t know if you should watch or talk about the weather. I’d rather watch a train wreck. If I knew how to spell that ‘heebie-jeebie shake’ one gets, I would put it here… It really makes me shudder to think that someone CHOOSES to do these things.

Now as for my friends like JJ, I try and think about this when they come over for dinner or drinks. We keep a clean house, but I know for a fact it’s not a sterile environment. Not even close. Every time she’s here I take those extra steps to ensure she actually witness' me washing my hands and wiping off the forks before I hand them out. I refrain from picking my nose, scratching my butt, blah, blah, blah. But even she knows that not everything is gonna make it through to her hands TRULY clean. I mean, after all, we’ve all seen the Dateline specials on how nasty even the neat freak’s homes are. It’s not something you want to dwell on, right? Well…I can’t leave well enough alone here. I’m gonna list some of the things I think about when in ‘Public’:

Buffet’s – This is my biggie. Every nasty bastard in the building is touching that same spatula to splat the Kung Pow Chicken onto their plate. Not to mention that the owners think that that plate of glass overhanging the food bar is going to keep Mr. Dipshit’s sneeze spray from making it onto your Egg-Foo-Young.

Bathroom Door Handle’s – When possible, I use the women’s bathrooms. This is because after 36 years of shakin’ the wang next to guys, I know that roughly only 3 out of 10 of them wash their Peter Pincher’s before they walk out. And come on, you JUST TOUCHED YOUR DICK. I don’t want to touch it too. Not to mention this may be the bathroom in the Buffet Restaurant…  And have you ever noticed the difference of cleanliness of the women’s bathroom’s compared to the men’s. They always have mirrors, flowers and likely a little smell good doo-hicky plugged in somewhere. If it’s a one-staller, I’m goin in. Plus, the look on women’s faces is priceless. It’s like their appalled that A GUY was in their space. I live in a house of women, so the “Put The Seat Down” tactic is habit here. And I aim good.

Chuck E Cheese – Do I need to say anything here? Is it just me, or does every kid in that place have snot dribbling out their nose? And if this lady is man handling the soda fountain dressed like this, how clean are her kid’s hands? Not that I’m judging her cleanliness by her choice of fashion, but…ok, I am.

Magazines in the Dr.’s Office – Really? I’m in a room full of people snotting all over the place with their scabies. Do I want to flip through that National Geographic that the lady dying next to me just touched? I think not.

Soda Can’s – I used to work for a local vendor that catered to vending machines in a large amount of business’ including the old St. Mary’s hospital. The soda cans were in the old six pack style flats and we stored them in an adjacent building to the warehouse. The place was a haven for mice, skunks, flies and every other critter that liked soda pop. We would have to walk over the tops of them to find the brands we needed… You see where I’m going. ALWAYS wash the top of the cans. I’m just sayin’.

One Dollar Bills – Let’s just say, I’ve seen a lot of these in places that I wouldn’t want my fingers, much less my food.

Needless to say, you might as well give up on the fact that you’re going to avoid getting someone else’s bodily skank in your mouth or on your hands. So, having made this fresh in my mind I think I’ll join JJ in keeping the good ol’ Germ X handy. Go ahead and comment below with the things that give you the jeebies and we can revisit this in the book I’ll be offered to write sometime in the future!

Happy eating!

J.C.