Dipshititis

There was a time in my life I wasn't as brilliant as I am now. I know...hard to believe, right? I was in my early 20’s, fresh off my divorce and I was, for the first time in my adult life, experiencing what it was like to have a little money to myself and a lot of free time to live recklessly without being handcuffed to a hate machine ( I was worthy of being hated). I got married when I was 20 and never had the chance to frequent bars, chase the ladies, and not be scrutinized for living the high life. I managed to get some time with my friends, but if I got 3 beers down I would be glared at and told I was an alcoholic. Kinda took the fun away. So when I got free for the first time, I went crazy like a rich virgin teenager in frat house on a mission. Needless to say, it was awesome and extremely irresponsible.

There were only a few bars in town that one could go to that didn't have a history of stabbings and shootings. I pretty much lived in these places and attempted to drown myself in alcohol at times. I had just got a job working as a route driver for a certain "Chip Company" delivering to the local Wally Worlds. Now, being the big retailer that it is, it demands that you arrive to the stock their shelves at the butt crack of dawn. This didn't bode well with my new found habit at all, but I made it work. I would drink till 2am, sleep till 5am, work till 2pm, nap till 6pm. When I managed to shake off the funk I would shower, then eat a bowl of Ramen and begin the drinking all over again. A real winner.

As for the two bars in town, I knew almost every person in these places and I'm pretty sure we were all in our 20's because I went to school with the majority of them. There were a few nights that for some reason I felt as though a $100 bar tab worth of whiskey at 2am wasn't enough and I would always find some willing participants for a little "I'm not smart enough to quit drinking yet" after hours partying. Well, there was one particular night that sticks out in my mind that I thought I would share.

There was a small little hole in the wall clubhouse that we would frequent when the Double M had one of their shitty bands playing. It was good for really 'thick' Crown and 7's (thanks to the owner), foose ball, and seeing the "other crowd". These folks, for the most part, weren't the Double M types. It was a little smokier, quieter and some dude was in there every night singing the same catchy Sublime songs over and over. Never the less, they were friends just the same and I enjoyed the diversity.

This particular Tuesday night, (yeah, I said Tuesday night), I ran into my Cuz and his good buddy, 'Loan'. Now, when there was more than two or three of us, the time would sling past us and the proprietor would be pushing us out the door attempting to get the lights out. Well, we couldn't stop drinking now could we? After all it was only 2am on what was now a Wednesday morning and I had a good 3 hours before I needed to leave for work. So we had the brilliant idea to go to Cuz's house and continue binging on whatever concoctions we could scrape together. When that proved to be nothing worthy, I, at that moment, had a major influx of Dipshititis.

I was willing to travel to my house just around the corner to grab more booze and of course, Loan was worried about my level of drunkenness. So he thought that adding his drunkenness to mine by riding in the passenger seat would make things better. Bad idea.

To the best of my knowledge it was mid February and there had just been a pretty good snow melt. Are you familiar with that pea sized gravel/sand that they put down for the ice storms we get? Well it was everywhere. We get 1/4 mile down the road and come to a stop sign. The road ahead makes a nice little 'S' curve where, many times before I managed a nice drift move in the ol' Dodge. Then comes those famous words...”Watch this".

I mash the gas; get 'er sideways, over correct, down into a ditch, bounce off a tree, back across the street, into a yard just as the bumper stops short of crushing a privacy fence. I swear it wasn't my fault...and I hadn't been drinking... Anyway, by this time I realize I had just smashed up my truck I notice Loan has slid across the cab and was now waded up in my lap. He mutters "What the fuck?" I asked if he was all right and when I realized neither of us were injured I threw her into reverse, straightened it out and headed around the corner to my house. We were literally JUST AROUND THE CORNER from my house. The cooling fan was bouncing off the radiator and I realized this was a pretty good wreck when I pulled into the driveway and got out. But on the flip side, Loan and I had made it to my house, nobody was hurt and we still had a mission on our hands. Get. More. Whiskey.

Dipshititis apparently doesn't come in spurts, because Loan and I were about to relapse. "Hey, it's only a few blocks! Let's walk!" We intake enough to fuel a small jet and begin the walk back to where we came from. One problem; I think that I would like to see the that tree that jumped in front of me and give a piece of my mind. I convince Loan it's a good idea and we take off walking. We get to the scene and its pitch black. It's too damned dark, I see no tree. That is until it got illuminated by that nice officers blue light...whoopsie. Apparently that privacy fence was owned by a nosy, insomniac bitch. Although I didn't knock down her fence, I did leave tire tracks in her yard and she felt the need to report the loud commotion outside her house at what was likely 3am. I REALLY wish she would've ignored that commotion. It sure would have made the next 5 hours a helluva lot more fun.

The questioning by this fine officer was kinda blurry given that I had just fueled up back at the house, but I'll try and recreate it for you.

Officer: "Where you headed?"
Me: "Ummm..."
Officer: " Have you been drinking?"
Me: "Ummm..."
Officer: "We had a report of an accident at this intersection. Was that you?"
Me: "Ummm..."

Now this officer had me dead to rights and I was WAY too intoxicated to not believe that I could out smart this guy. I was going to do everything I could to keep him from finding my truck that was smashed up just around the corner from where we were standing.

Officer: "Where have you been?"
Me: "I wuzz at de Zmart geffin sums smokeretts...over there."

Mind you we were a good 2 to 3 miles from any convenience stores.

Officer: "So you haven't been driving?"
Me: "Ummm..."
Officer: "Where do you live?"

Ahhh. That magic question. All I heard at this moment was "Where is your truck hidden so we can arrest you." Well I was WAY too smart for this guy. My intelligence level was so high at the moment that I had the genius plan to give him my dad's address. This wouldn't be a lie! Right? After all, I have mail delivered there. That makes it a residence, right? Next problem:

Officer: "What's that address?"
Me: "Uh...36...uh...Deer run...Pea Ridge?"
Officer: "Are you asking me, son?"

Now I, at that moment, I realize that I can't even remember what city my father lives in. The same moment that I notice that the area had become what appeared to be the only thing happening in the city as far as crime cause there had to be 10 cars with lights a-blare. I take a look over to the right and I see Loan getting cuffed and stuffed into the back of a cruiser. Not knowing what he had been asked or said to those questions, I decide to take a seat and begin pleading the 5th. Loan, come to find out, did the exact same. I think it was because the jet fuel was hitting him at the same time. In the meantime;

Officer: "I take it you live at '555 That Street'?"
Me: "Ummm..."
Officer: "Well don't you worry about it, because they just followed the trail of antifreeze to your house."

What do you say to that? Next thing I know I'm in the city slammer booked on public intox with one hell of a hangover setting in. I have no idea where Loan was. I make a call to the one guy I know that will help me out, my dad. Naturally, he was stoked to hear from me. They weren't going to let me go until I sobered up, so bail wasn't an option. I had him call my boss to explain the misfortunes of the evening because the repercussions of no chip guy at the Wally World would have a big ripple effect. I was put on leave, but I saved the Wally World from running out of chips by falling on the proverbial sword. As for Loan; I think he still chuckles about as do I from time to time, and I’ll bet he won’t forget that night. Live and learn!

If I had the chance to do this over again, I'm pretty sure I would have walked a different route back to Cuz's house.

Just take a cab.

J.C.